My friend “B. B. “is one of those colorful characters who always has a story to tell, quite often a “parlor” story, that’s the kind that gentlemen would not tell in mixed company in the old days. But nowadays his stories would pass muster at a PG 13 movie. For instance he writes silly songs and sings them. One such song is to the tune of Cindy, the old folk song. Remember the verse “Cindy in the summer time, Cindy in the fall, if I can’t have Cindy all the time don’t want Cindy none a’ tall?” Well, BB has a verse which goes “Wish I was a dog and my Senator was a tree… “He never gets to finish the verse because of laughter, hoots, hollers and standing ovations.
Well BB told me another one recently that he swears is the truth. A guy had lost all his hair due to a common disease known as aging but he wasn’t ready to give up the quest for good looks and success with ladies out at the home. He tried every kind of toupee’ he could get until he discovered that Medicare would not pay for any of them. So he had a friend who worked for the city to be on the lookout for fresh road kill. A huge Persian cat was unclaimed one day and BB’s friend had a retired taxidermist make him a dandy toupee’ that was just right. Just a few problems had to be ironed out. Every time he reached down to pet a dog every hair on his head stood up. Dogs howled bloody murder and stood their ground until they were dragged off by confused owners.
When the guy tried to comb his new locks back in place he created enough static electricity to weld the zipper shut on his Sunday pants.
So the guy decided to give up his artificial locks and just grow real hair. Nothing worked. So he turned to nutrition. One book he read advised eating anything red, orange or green and he would not only grow hair but feel better. The guy ate a half pound of M & M’s and said he felt a lot better.
But he was still bald. That’s when a sweet young thing told him that it made no difference. She worshipped the ground where he was born. He felt pretty good for a while, had a liposuction job, bought a new suit, some new SAS shoes with Dr. Scholl insoles and was gellin’ until he discovered that not only did she worship the ground where he was born but all the property he had acquired since.
The moral of this story is don’t go chasing after a Persian cat to recapture your youth, relinquish joyfully those days of yesteryear and take advantage of opportunities. A fellow can be thought quite handsome if he has a pleasant personality, a nice smile…and lots of money.
Doc Blakely is a humorist and motivational speaker who resides in Wharton. For more information, visit www.docblakely.com.