Reading the paper can be entertaining if you read between the lines. It’s also a lot faster because you aren’t slowed down by a lot of words.
Here are just a few things I discovered today using this method:
In June of 2019 the jobless rate dropped to 3.7 percent. If statistics are correct, that will be of no interest to 96.3 percent of you.
Stock car racing is the fastest growing sport in the U.S. I can testify that several hundred people qualified today on the way to the airport. I was in heavy traffic doing 70 mph on the outside lane and a guy passed me on my right side, mowing the right of way. By Golly it’s true. Nothing runs like a Deere.
Russia has accused the U.S. of spying again, this time at a meeting at their Washington embassy. Our chief spy denies it and says the meeting was dull and all in Russian anyway. Their chief spy, Ripsits Corsetsoff, said he was full of Smirnoff.
Some experts say gas prices are headed for $3 per gallon. That’s good news if you’re in the oil business or if you live in California and you’ve been paying $4 per gallon.
A breakthrough in superconductors was recently announced. A superconductor is a device that loses all resistance to electricity below a certain temperature, usually about 50 degrees below zero. When this breakthrough is announced and reflected in your air conditioning bill, it’ll be a cold day in July.
A three-star Army general was severely reprimanded for his role in the Ali Babba Ben Saba Aksarben Al Jazeer Bulbul Ameer, Syria, prison scandal and assigned to latrine duty by a U.S. Senator who himself rose to the rank of corporal several times.
A 102-year-old woman received an earned degree from Kentucky State University. And you thought your kid was slow graduating!
Political candidates are gathering steam for their campaigns. For a unique tax deduction, consider a contribution to some rusty, old locomotive tooting his/her own horn. Michelle Obama reportedly has a 20 percent chance of winning the Democratic nomination for President in spite of the fact she is not running and has skipped all the presidential debates. Elisabeth Warren is furious and challenged her to put on her war paint. Mary Kay has offered both a discount.
Federal prisons are reported to be 159 percent full. Why can’t the guy who filed that report be in charge of wine by the glass?
Waste management is a hot topic now. One fellow had a unique idea. “We’ll put 6 million tons on a barge and let the tugboat captain worry about it.”
Finally, a recent survey indicates the most expensive homes in the U.S. are in Beverly Hills, California. The cheapest homes are in Tulsa, Oklahoma. When this news was announced, one Oakie tried to move his house to Beverly Hills and sell it but blew out four tires in Tucson, so he just stayed there.
Doc Blakely is a humorist and motivational speaker who resides in Wharton. For more information, visit www.docblakely.com.