Can you believe we break out of COVID-19 into Hurricane season! We used to head for Dallas but sitting on the freeway in a massive jam is more dangerous than the Hurricane, especially if it shifts to the North and your spouse starts in with, “I told you so.” Road rage is not confined to the next car. 

And the weather men stay on the job right through the storm. Who are they broadcasting to? People in Kansas, who can’t get the channel anyway if they use rabbit ears like we do. They all sound like George Carlin after a while. “It will be turning dark to partly dark tonight and light to partly light somewhere, oh, about dawn.”

Just what you need to make an informed decision. Switch to the Disney channel. Daffy Duck makes more sense to me. Mothers quietly say, “Stop whining and watch Popeye and Pluto.” And that’s just to their husbands. Kids are out on top of the dog house wearing a towel around their neck yelling “Whee” into an 80 mph gale. 

Some mounted policemen were out during the last storm. It was rough. They had to use Polo Ponies. Water polo. 

Some of the residents of nursing homes have learned their lessons. For this season they are already having their Social Security checks forwarded to inland kids and the grocery store had a run on essential foods like prunes and vodka. Gas stations run out of everything but lottery tickets.

And the airports? Forget it. I was on one of those flights once. We took off into the teeth of the storm and backed all the way to Kansas.

You could try the bus stations but in times of pandemics the Greyhound becomes more like a Pit Bull. I tried that once too. My seat mate, wearing a mask and horizontal striped suit had just been released from prison and was intent on saving my soul. He said he became a preacher while in the pen for a pick ax murder. Somehow his message smacked of insincerity. 

Then there was the guy who was a lighthouse attendant. When the storm hit he ran down the spiral staircase so fast he screwed himself into the ground. The EMT’s were called but it took them hours to get him out. They finally tumbled onto the fact that it was a left hand thread.

Even after Harvey we were all a little punchy but FEMA now has it all figured out they say. If a storm comes they’ll be serving dinners complete with dessert in luxury accommodations. That translates to bottled water, jerky and jello in a gutted camper.

Let’s hope for the best this season. And remember the old sayings: Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning. Beware the calm before the storm. When it rains it pours. But if a storm hits and you hear “Thar she blows,” check your living room...by phone, from Colorado. 

Doc Blakely is a humorist and motivational speaker who resides in Wharton. For more information, visit www.docblakely.com.

 

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