You might be a redneck if your “doghouse” means under the front porch and you put skirts around the house to hide the wheels but here’s a story that rivals the whole idea:

A fellow in Arkansas has had a Jeep dealership in a small town for the last 50 years. His showroom is an Army surplus Quonset hut and he only keeps one jeep on display. As soon as he sells that one he orders another and asks the buyer to delay taking ownership until the new unit arrives. 

This guy is a model of efficiency. His service department is a mechanic from the county precinct who comes over and works during his lunch hour, and other convenient times except Thursday nights when half the capacity comes to play mountain music in the Quonset hut. Before the Pandammitt the kids were allowed to polish the Jeep and for their pay they got to sit behind the wheel and make motor mouth sounds. They loved it so much that the dealer modified the Jeep with windshield wipers inside the windshield. With social distancing and masks this became no fun at all so now they tell the kiddos to mask up, go outside, and stay 6 feet away from anything that breathes or moves. 

But inside, during the jam session, the adults all drink “Arkansas adult beverages” which consists of lemonade laced with whatever quality liquors are available. Moonshine is outlawed. The Jeep dealer also owns the only liquor store, just across the street, which is open by request just about any time as long as the store is half full, guns are checked at the door and patrons are not loaded.

There is only one phone in town and that is a rental “burner” phone, which naturally is owned by the Jeep dealer and located just outside the Mayor’s office. You can guess who is Mayor. 

The Mayor is also county judge. I’m not sure this is legal anywhere else, but remember this story is about Arkansas. They do things differently there. An old drunk was brought before the judge for causing a disturbance at the weekly jam session. The citizen asked, “What have you got me here for this time your honor.”

“Drinking,” says the judge.

“Well then, let’s get on with it,” replies the old redneck.

“That’s the problem, Jake. A widow woman claimed you were drinking double, feeling single, and causing a disturbance.”

“I wouldn’t touch that widow with a ten foot pole.”

“That’s why she was disturbed. The indiscretion happened at my Jeep dealership.”  

“Could you explain indiscretion?”

“That’s when there is an infraction of the law.”

“Your honor, I didn’t infract nothin’. I just drank too much of your lemonade. I heard there was a fist fight and several people were infracting the law. Is that true?”

“I’ll ask the questions here.”

“OK, so ask me something in a language I can understand.”

“Wanna buy a jeep?”

Doc Blakely is a humorist and motivational speaker who resides in Wharton. For more information, visit www.docblakely.com.

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