George Strait hard to beat in Berclair
Pokin' Fun 'Doc' Blakely

About 40 years ago when I first started making after-dinner talks to amuse the masses on the pellet pea and rubber chicken circuit I had a call from a friend of a friend who was from Berclair, Texas. That's not exactly the Las Vegas of the third coast but this fellow thought it was mighty progressive. They had an American Legion hall there and they were having their annual meeting and election of officers; old soldiers who still had the spirit but could not fit into their uniforms except for the hat.

I asked the man, Alton, exactly what they expected of a speaker. "Oh, we just want to have a lot of laughs, you won't need to have a message of any sort, most of the crowd will be three sheets to the wind by the time you get introduced anyway."

I learned very early on that when any group like this has an annual meeting and election of officers the only reason they will spend the funds to hire entertainment is to keep the crowd from going home to bed before the votes were counted. It had to do with a quorum being present when the votes were tallied. This usually took about 45 minutes, but if it took longer they expected you to fill the evening with gaiety and laughter until the task was done, sometimes an hour or so if there was no hand-to-hand combat among the Special Forces, many armed to the teeth with new dentures.

Alton warned me that the board had to approve any expenditure of funds and they were tighter than Beetle Bailey's hat band. A few days later he called back and reported. "Sorry, Doc, the board voted 7 to 6 against you. They decided to hire a band. Besides the whole band was less than your fee and there are five of them." I lost by one vote. Oh, well, maybe next year.

Sure enough the next year Alton calls back, asks my fee (as if he didn't remember) and says he'd like to submit my name to entertain the crowd because he's heard me before and they just don't know what they are missing. A few days later he calls back. "Sorry, Doc, I was pushing for you but the board voted 8 to 5 to hire a band. Besides they are cheaper than your fee."

I swallowed my pride, washed it down with a Shiner Bock and went about my business, covering about 45 states that year. The next year Alton calls again.

"Maybe the third time is a charm, Doc. Submit a proposal."

I did. Two days later he calls back. "They voted to hire a band again, same one they've had the last two years. Vote was 13-0." Even Alton, who submitted my proposal, voted against me this time. And the whole band was still cheaper than my fee.

"Who the heck is this band, Alton?" I asked.

"Oh, I can't remember the band's name but the lead singer is a real nice, young fellow. We think he has real potential. His name is George Strait."

I see George is playing the big stadiums now. Hmmmm, I wonder if Strait and I should lower our fees. Alton has passed and Berclair has not booked either one of us for 37 years.

Doc Blakely is a humorist and motivational speaker who resides in Wharton.